


Kukalaka

by mz18



Series: An Ever-Fixed Mark [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Autistic Julian Bashir, Caregiver Elim Garak, Childhood Trauma, Dominion War (Star Trek), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Non-Sexual Age Play, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26241070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mz18/pseuds/mz18
Summary: Kukalaka goes missing and Julian struggles without him. Garak is concerned with finding the teddy bear, but more concerned for his partner, who learns to articulate the reasons why Kukalaka is so very important to him.---Can be read as a stand-alone but can be read as a part of "An Ever-Fixed Mark"; in terms of the timeline it comes at the end of Chapter 12 but before Chapter 13.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: An Ever-Fixed Mark [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1907737
Comments: 13
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

There was something wrong with their quarters and Garak felt it the instant he entered them. Julian was not yet back from his darts' evening with the Chief so he was left alone to assess what it was. His fist instinct, from years of training, was to read this sense of dislocation as relating to a threat against him and the Doctor. He acted as he usually would upon returning to the quarters he shared with his partner after a long day – to any outside observer, he appeared to be engaged in the banal activities of winding down and shaking off work but he was really working his way methodically across the space. He replicated a red leaf tea, set it down, tidied away some stray things, prepared to seat himself on the sofa, and pick up a padd. His eyes scanned the room for any signs of tampering, for the thing that would tell him what was wrong. He sat down and continued his subtle examinations. Then he realised what was wrong, what was in fact missing from their quarters, and he almost would have preferred if his original conclusion that hostile forces were attempting to infiltrate their lives was true for it would have been easier to deal with than the real issue. Kukalaka was nowhere to be seen. He was gone from his usual perch on the shelves facing out into the living space. The only time the bear left his appointed place was when Julian took him to bed with him, or when Jules had need of him during his times being little. As Julian was currently at work, the latter and the former could be discounted. Julian was not here and he would not have brought Kukalaka with him anywhere outside of these rooms, especially not to work. He kept Kukalaka here, safe, as well as for his sense that his bear somehow kept watch over their quarters when he was away, a notion Garak had been quite taken with when Julian had first explained this to him, in his wonderfully artless way he sometimes had, not feeling any self-consciousness others might in a similar position. 

However, the issue remained. Kukalaka was not where he should be and he had to rectify this, and if at all possible, before Julian returned and noticed. He dreaded to imagine how Julian would react to the loss of his bear, or indeed, how Jules would also react to this and at this moment, he was not quite sure who would struggle with it more. He arose and searched their quarters, knowing already that Kukalaka would not be found, but undertaking the task anyway in order to continue to be methodical in his approach to this situation and eliminate the possibilities as he went along. He inched his way through the living area, checking under furniture and behind it, in drawers and on top shelves, followed by the cabinets in their bathroom, the closet in their bedroom, under the bed, in the chest of drawers, ascertaining that Kukalaka was not somehow mistakenly tangled in their bedsheets. Garak returned to the living area, checking the time as he moved – he could not be sure how long the Doctor would spend with the Chief and he could not contact O'Brien to ask him to play for time without arousing suspicion.

“Computer.” 

It responded with its starting-up bleeps. 

“List of all visitors to our quarters since -.” He thought quickly to when he had last seen the bear for certain. Last night. After having Lieutenant Dax and Worf over for the evening, Julian had retrieved his bear from a secure place. It was not that he was ashamed of Kukalaka (that had been dealt with, thankfully) or sought to hide him – rather the opposite, for everyone on the station seemed to know about Julian's teddy bear, seeing as he told them himself. It was more that Worf's tendencies towards physical demonstrations of certain Klingon warrior moves when partaking of great quantities of blood wine caused Julian to worry about Kukalaka's remaining intact by he end of the evening and so, just in case, he tucked him away in a capacious drawer, bedded down with a soft scarf tucked around him. Garak for one was glad Kukalaka did not appear to suffer from the same affliction as he did, for he was unsure he would have been able to face being shut into a similarly small, confined space even if it was for his own safety and due to an act performed out of love and not out of cruelty. 

So then, last night was when he could say for certain he had last seen the little bear. Such a small thing, to be responsible for so much companionship, comfort, and even happiness. Had there been other teddy bears like Kukalaka, a mass produced item? In spite of his attachment to his teddy, Julian could not even recall his origins and if his parents knew the answers to that mystery, he would not ask them.

“List all visitors since – .” And then he checked the star date, relaying the previous night's date to the computer. He assumed a stationary position, focusing on the computer's response. Lieutenant Dax had come back that morning – she had something to give Julian, which had come up in the previous night's conversation as something he would be interested in. Chief O'Brien had been by on his way to bringing his children to school and creche respectively; he had wanted to check that he and Julian were still on for that evening and reminded him he was currently ahead in their unending darts' competition. Odo had been to their quarters as well, in order to excuse himself to Garak for being unable to share breakfast with him that morning and to rearrange another time when a valuable shipment was not coming in. None of these visitors would have taken Kukalaka. Had someone taken Kukalaka? Why? What could the motivation for such an act possibly be? Could someone have taken him by mistake?  
He sighed and braced himself. Though he had grown to understand, and deeply empathise with Julian's love of, and Jules' need for, Kukalaka, it would still not be an easy task to have to make such direct enquiries. However, it was the next logical step and he had to cross this possibility off the list. He opened a comm channel. 

“Dax here.” The instant reply came. 

“Lieutenant.” Garak began.

“Jadzia.”

“Jadzia. I have a – more unusual question but I need to check with you and Worf.”

“Sure. “

“Can I enquire if you, this morning -.” He paused. “If you somehow, by mistake of course, managed to take Kukalaka with you when you left?”

He heard Worf's voice in the background, muffled. “The soft creature?”

The Lieutenant hissed a “yes, the soft creature” before returning to Garak. 

“No, I didn't have anything with me so unless he was in my hands, I don't see how I could've managed that.”

“As I suspected. Thank you for your time.”

“Garak, is Kukalaka missing?” There was concern in her voice. 

“I am afraid he might be but I am hoping he has only been misplaced. Please don't mention this to Julian yet.”

“Of course not. Let me know if you find him, yes?” 

“I will. Thank you again.”

Next was Odo. 

“I am afraid not, Garak, as much as I would like to be of service.”

Garak was somehow touched by how these friends and colleagues answered him in such a matter-of-fact way. As Julian was with the Chief now, he contacted Mrs. O'Brien. 

“When he returns, could you enquire if he somehow picked up Kukalaka?” 

“Of course.” Her voice was emphatic, understanding. “I don't know what the bear looks like but Miles does, I'm sure.” 

This discharged, Garak was now at a loss as to what to do until Julian's return or until there was perhaps any joyful news from the Chief when his wife appraised him of the situation. The only other time on the station Kukalaka had been missing was when Julian's previous flame had not returned him, but that was different as for some reason Julian had given her the little bear, but had not reckoned with her failing to return him. Kukalaka was irreplaceable. He had once asked Julian if he would ever wish to spruce up his bear with some new fur or stitching (he had been careful to avoid the word 'fix' or 'repair') and Julian had reacted very strongly against this. 

“I don't want you to think I'm rejecting your kind offer, or that I don't value your skills.” He had sought to explain. “It's just, if he changed, he wouldn't be Kukalaka.” 

He was a barometer for Julian's mood, and for Jules. By the way he interacted with his teddy bear, Garak could tell a lot about Jules' current state and what he needed or wanted, which in Jules' case was particularly helpful as he was mostly non-verbal. Furthermore, Kukalaka was a good indicator for when Julian wished to spend time being little without him having to express this in a more direct manner to his partner. If Garak came upon Julian holding Kukalaka, cuddling him to his tummy or holding him against his face, then the likelihood of Jules coming to the surface was quite high. Julian did still interact with Kukalaka as his adult self but the relationship was distinctly different; he spoke to and of Kukalaka, fondly, as a childhood companion. When he talked about him and to him as Julian, there was a sense of his childhood as being in the past and that this was a past he and the teddy shared. For both Julian and Jules, Kukalaka was an integral part of their self-soothing routine. He had no interest in or need for any other teddy bears or plush toys, though Jules did have other games and toys. Garak had almost found himself disappointed, fancying the idea of fashioning other plush animals for his little boy, not having worked with such forms before. 

What were they going to do? Garak glanced over at the long-abandoned cup of now-cold red leaf tea and returned it to the replicator. After some minutes, a message came through from the Chief.

“Garak, Keiko is after telling me about Kukalaka. Julian's on his way back to your quarters, he ended up chatting to someone as he was walking along so I left him there. I'm afraid I didn't pick up his bear by accident, sorry.”

Garak thanked him and signed off. As he expected. Under other circumstances, the unsolved mystery of Kukalaka's disappearance would be preying on his mind more, however his immediate concern was for Julian's imminent arrival. He wasn't even sure if he'd be able to tell Julian, to warn him before he himself noticed that Kukalaka was gone. The door chimed; Garak straightened his shoulders. Julian entered, smiling. 

“I hope you had a nice evening, and that you were alright on your own.” He moved past the sofa, towards his partner, and gave him a brief kiss. “I found myself in fair competition with Miles tonight, I actually had to try to...”. He trailed off, looking past Garak, over his shoulder, having spotted the empty space. Garak put his hand on Julian's hip.

“My dear, I am very sorry, and I do not know how else to tell you – but I returned to our quarters and found Kukalaka was gone.”

“Gone? He can't – he can't be gone.” Julian then began re-enacting the same search Garak himself had only just shortly before undertaken but he did not attempt to hinder him from doing so, it would be important for him to do this himself. He waited, and watched Julian's progress from room to room, and tidied up the disorder he left behind in each one. Once this was completed, he paused, evidently at a loss as to what to do next. Then he went into action again, once more following the same procedure as Garak, asking the computer to call up who had visited, contacting them, Garak being able to hear as they repeated what they had told him. This accomplished and having led to nothing, Julian sat down on their sofa, his fingers gripping and releasing on the material of the cushions. Garak took up position beside him.

“You haven't taken Kukalaka out of our quarters since last night, since you retrieved him after Worf and Dax left?” 

Julian shook his head. “I never take Kukalaka with me anywhere. He has to stay here, it's safer and he keeps an eye out.” He said listlessly. 

Where could he be? What had happened? He sighed. “I wish I could be of more help, dearest, I'm trying to think what could've happened.”

Julian continued to grip and then release the sofa material. Garak considered touching him somehow, resting his hand on his thigh or the back of his neck but he kept his distance for the moment.

“All these years.” He murmured. “And I finally managed to lose him." He rose and returned with a large glass of brandy and sipped at it mechanically. “My father did always detest Kukalaka. Once he deemed I was too old to have a teddy bear he would every so often try to dispose of him without my noticing. I always managed to rescue him.” He looked into his glass. “And as much as I'd love to lay the blame for this one at his door, I really can't.” Julian shook his head. “Where is he? How - ?” He trailed off again.

“I don't know.” 

He noted Julian glancing once more towards the shelf where Kukalaka should be. His partner seemed almost resigned to what had happened already but Garak knew this couldn't be the truth. Even Julian, as an adult, would keenly feel the loss of Kukalaka. Perhaps he was currently just better at hiding it. If they could not find Kukalaka (and Garak did not want to give him up for lost just yet), then what would that mean for Jules, for his little boy and their time together? Garak had become accustomed to Kukalaka's presence in this part of their life together, Kukalaka in the bed with them or pressed between them when Garak would read aloud to Jules.

They remained on the sofa for a while, Julian drinking a second brandy, both of them saying very little, both in a different way focusing on the issue of Kukalaka. As they made their way to bed, Julian stopped and turned to Garak.

“I know what you've been concerned about. About how Jules would react to losing Kukalaka. If I had lost Kukalaka as a child, I would have been inconsolable.”

“And now?” Garak touched Julian's elbow. 

“Jules will be inconsolable. I -.” There was a catch in his voice. He cleared his throat. “But.” He continued. “I can better try to deal with it than Jules can. Without Kukalaka though, I don't know how to - “. He shook his head and let the sentence remain unfinished. 

Neither of them slept for some time, and lay in the darkness, side by side. Julian did not appear to want to be touched or comforted so Garak sought to give him enough space. He thought of Richard Bashir and how he had wanted to get rid of Jules' teddy and Garak wondered if the man really considered the consequences of this action. Would Jules have been able to fall asleep without Kukalaka? Would his father truly have left his young son crying for his plush toy all night and remained unmoved by this? Yes, Garak admitted. Julian had told him before how the man would simply leave the room or even the house if he did not want to be confronted by any behaviour from Jules which was inconvenient for him. He would have ben able to ignore Jules's cries. Before he had considered Mr. Bashir as a limited man, but now he considered that there was something missing from him on a fundamental level. 

If they could not find Kukalaka, would there be some alternative for Julian, for Jules? Not a replacement, anything that could be perceived as a replacement for his bear would be a fatal misstep. But his little boy would need some comfort object. Other young children held onto blankets, small pieces of soft fabric. With Jules' particular tastes in relation to textures this could perhaps have possibilities. Jules also liked to suck his thumb but could a pacifier be something to offer now, for the sense of comfort and security? He just did not know. But he could not leave his little one without something if Kukalaka could not be recovered. How would this affect Jules, what would his first time in little space without Kukalaka be like?

In spite of all these concerns in his mind, Garak did eventually fall asleep. He was awoken in the morning by the sounds of his partner attempting and failing to stifle his quiet sobs, which were filled with such hollowness that they caused Garak to ache for his partner. Julian was already sitting up, looking miserable. 

“Oh, Elim, I'm sorry.” He choked out, not able to look at Garak and he slowly edged himself out of the bed, which was when Garak saw that Julian's boxers were soaked through. Garak rose from the bed too and saw the wet patch on their sheets. He went to follow Julian to the bathroom but his partner refused, wanting to clean himself up without any assistance. Garak felt himself oddly redundant. Before, if his partner had had an accident, Garak would have been allowed to assist him in taking care of him afterwards. However, he seemed to want to be alone so instead Garak busied himself with stripping the bed, putting the sheets in the sonic laundry, and laying fresh ones. It had been quite some time since he had had an accident like this – once they had established a routine for the times when he was Jules and he had learned to communicate his need for it or when he was beginning to feel little, they had been able to see off any such eventualities by being prepared for the emergence of Jules and getting him padded up in advance. He heard Julian moving about the bathroom, the shower being turned off. Garak replicated a pot of tea for them and then waited for the younger man to emerge.  
In spite of Julian's attempt to prevent himself from falling into this little space, clearly it was affecting this part of himself as well, causing his little side to show his distress in this way. What could he do about this though, now that Julian did not want him to care for him how he normally would on such occasions? Though Julian was not fully little, Garak wished he could still care for him, to let him see that this was perfectly fine, and that he would look after him, whether he was Julian, Jules, or a confused place oscillating between the two. He knew that Julian had residual ambivalent feelings about his little space only being something he turned to in reaction to negative moments or feelings but it was not the case really, he became little at a variety of times and knowing how it would usually bring comfort to his partner to regress, he wished he would allow himself this. However, the situation was complicated by the fact that for the moment being little would be distressing for Jules, a place where he would feel the loss of Kukalaka overwhelmingly, painfully. It was understandable that he wanted to avoid this part of himself but as was quite often the case, it was likely this part of himself which was suffering the most currently was the part of himself he would need to engage with in order to begin processing this pain.  
Do as I say, Garak thought to himself, not without a trace of bitterness. 

Julian emerged form the bathroom, dressed in his uniform. He gave Garak a tired smile and joined him for tea. 

“Elim.” He laid his hand on his thigh. “Can we please discuss this later? I – have quite a day ahead of me at the infirmary and talking about all of this won't help me.”

Garak inclined his head. He could understand and accept this. 

“What awaits you today, Doctor?” 

They both rose to proceed to their respective work places and strolled the corridors together. 

“Oh, war strategies and preparation, the new normal. Even when there isn't an influx of casualties, we spend our time now making sure we are as prepared as we possibly can be for the next arrival, the next emergency, and for an escalation of the war.” He began to list. “Stock-take now has become a constant concern, and not a task carried out a irregular intervals. I arrive in the mornings and using the intel we have about where our troops are and who they are fighting, I ensure we have enough medicines and drugs for these eventualities. I want to talk to Keiko as well, see if we can avail of her botanist's knowledge in this are, again to be prepared for any and all contingencies. I've been hoping she could give a presentation to the staff, so they can learn what plants they could use in an emergency situation in different settings to treat the wounded. Staff is another thing now that is bumped up to the top of my list of priorities. I check if we have any new recruits or volunteers, see how their training is going. I need to check in with Odo again to, to ensure we have some lines open for deliveries and shipments and places to safely store everything. Then after all this, I try to go about my work as scheduled but I again have to have a plan in place in case I am called away and am unable to carry out the day-to-day treatments my other patients require. I'll have to run through our evacuation plan again, we stage a drill regularly now, what to do in case of attack by the Dominion, how and where to set up a makeshift infirmary.”

“It goes without saying that any research of yours has very much fallen by the wayside?”

“Very much.” Julian sighed. “Of course being a doctor is about precisely this, treating those who need it, helping as best and as quickly we can. However, having to shove away any current research projects to the very bottom of our priorities only adds to the feeling of living and working from minute to minute, of not being able to look to a future beyond the war.”

Garak listened in sympathy but also in quiet admiration. Before their holiday on Risa, his partner had been so overwhelmed by the impact of the war – now, though of course this had not been alleviated, he was much better able to meet this daily challenge. They had reached the infirmary and Garak bid his partner good day until the evening. From there he proceeded to his shop and Odo fell into step beside him on the promenade.

“Constable.”

“Garak.” He waited until they entered his shop before speaking again. “I hear we have a potential security issue on the station.”

“Oh?” Garak said as he moved around the space, opening for the day, his mind already partly on his work, partly on Julian, and partly attending to Odo.

“You're taking the possibility of someone having broken into your quarters a bit lightly.” Odo sounded disgruntled. 

“Ah. Word has spread of Kukalaka's disappearance.” He consulted a padd containing the orders for today and scanned them. Yes, he was concerned about it, he did not know how to even begin going about retrieving the teddy bear, plus another concern niggled at him – if someone had broken into the quarters, what had they been looking for and what had they found? What if they had unlocked the drawer where they kept Jules' little things? What if the purpose was blackmail? Garak was very glad that Kukalaka's existence was common fact among their colleagues and friends, and so would not arouse any curiosity or suspicions of anything further. Of course he could not share this with the Constable and he had not asked Julian to consider the possibility of blackmail either. Julian's mind was not focused on who had taken his bear or why, he was only concerned with having him returned – which Garak felt was somehow his responsibility. 

“I will recheck the security logs for activity around that section of the station where your quarters are. I also have some interviews scheduled with different traders, to ascertain if any unscrupulous dealers have been by recently. There's a market for everything, even toys like this.” He shook his head. “It doesn't make sense though.”

"I agree. But I thank you for your efforts, nonetheless.”

Odo tsked, and was on his way.

-

As he wended his way through the bustle of the promenade at the end of the day, Garak was accosted by Lieutenant Dax. 

“Have you found Kukalaka yet?” 

I am afraid not, no.” In spite of his apprehension about any potential exposure of their private life, he was still oddly touched that Dax had taken the time to ask about the bear and that she, to some extent, seemed to understand Kukalaka's importance to Julian. 

“I've been thinking about the various toys that were special to each host and the favourite toys my children had.” She smiled at these memories. “They were all such strong attachments. I had a small cuddly bee.”

“A bee?” Garak found the thought endearing. “I must admit, I feel I have missed out on a significant childhood experience. I never had a special object as a small Cardassian. We were not allowed such items.” It would have been very pleasant though, he silently added. 

“I was about to say I'm surprised, but then I tried to imagine Dukat snuggling a plushie bee and I realised I'm not.” She deadpanned before her face softened once more. “I hope Julian finds his bear really. We all need something during this war.”

“I also hope he does.” 

Before Dax could depart, they were joined by Quark. 

“I hear that you're looking for a teddy bear.”

He turned on the Ferengi. “If I am about to discover that you are going to attempt to sell Julian's own property back to him, I will -.” 

“No, no, you've got it all wrong.” Quark looked genuinely alarmed but sought to smooth over it. “I meant only to say if someone has taken the creature, I've got eyes and ears out for it.”

“Well, it is appreciated.” Garak replied in an altered tone of voice.

“It's really worth that much, huh?” 

“Quark, if you did have Kukalaka, I would give you any and every strip of gold-pressed latinum I could get my hands on.”

“Ah. That kind of valuable. Immeasurable.”

-

Garak returned to their quarters and was joined shortly after by Julian. Although he had requested that morning to leave any discussion of Kukalaka until later, Garak did not get the impression that his partner was in a receptive mood for such a talk right now. This did not imply that he did not need to talk but that he was unreceptive. Garak was already quite sure Julian would struggle tonight as well but he also knew he would not welcome any suggestion that he needed to prepare for this and Garak could not force this on him. Julian's attitude was an oddly contradictory one – he was resigned already to the loss of his teddy, accepting it silently, whilst on the other hand, the loss was so great he could not fully address it.

They sat together on the sofa, reading, Julian preoccupied with a medical paper, Garak rereading an early text by Natima Lang. He wished he could suggest reading some favourite story aloud to his partner. However, the things which had previously brought him comfort were now to be held at arm's length. For how long? Garak sighed to himself. When would he see the return of his little boy? Though it was not something they could always indulge in, and though it only formed one aspect of their relationship, it remained important to Garak, his role as caregiver giving him a deep sense of satisfaction and contentment. It was a different way of being with his partner, they interacted differently, learned new things about one another through it. And during the unending war, it provided a quiet oasis for them.

“Garak. I know I said we'd talk about this later and that now could be considered later, but I just can't, I don't want to.”

Garak brushed his fingers against Julian's cheek. 

“My dear, that is fine. We can talk whenever you wish to.”

He nodded. So, he was aware, and on some level, experienced the need to address the loss of Kukalaka, he was just not equal to it right now. He would get there and Garak was a patient man. 

-

Garak's prediction proved to be correct. He was pulled from his slumber in the middle of the night, and was blearily confused for a few moments as to what had caused this. Julian was asleep, cuddled in at his side. He had had another accident and due to his position, in the process had got Garak quite wet also. He gently shook Julian awake, who upon realising what had happened this time only looked at his partner helplessly. Garak was not entirely sure whether he was dealing with Julian or Jules and he felt it was a mixture between the two, Julian was not fully Jules but he was also too little to be fully Julian. 

“Let's get ourselves cleaned up, dearest.” He held out his hand to Julian, who this time did not protest, but instead took it mutely and followed his partner to the bathroom. After they had showered however, Garak did receive some resistance from him to being padded up. 

“Please, we both need to sleep and this is the best way to ensure we have an uninterrupted night's sleep.” 

After a few more moment's protest, he acquiesced and remained silent as Garak taped him up. Once the bed was remade, they lay down together again. He held his partner from behind, knowing he could not replace the specific kind of security Kukalaka would bring him. He could not settle, could not sleep, and this was surely Jules, Garak thought to himself. It was worse than the times when Jules would have attacks or fits, when something distressed him and caused him to scream and hold his hands to his head, to rock back and forth. Those reactions were instant, and in response to a sudden, unexpected intrusion, a perceived threat. They could only be sustained for a limited period of time and usually it was the case that whatever the source of distress to Jules was, it would cease or be removed within a limited period of time. It was also typically something that was within Garak's control to change or banish. None of these things applied now. Garak had no control over whether Kukalaka could be found and returned, and so this state could continue for an indefinite period with no alleviation or resolution.


	2. Chapter 2

Jules made a quiet keening noise, breaking off at irregular intervals before being resumed again; the sound resembled more a whimpering than the distressed keening Garak had heard from him before. His fingers grasped and released on the sheets, not being able to hold what he really wanted. Garak felt a queasy hollowness listening to this whimpering – he imagined that Jules had been in this state before, upset, frightened, but had been left alone by those who were supposed to care for him, they did not respond to his calls and cries. And the young boy could not understand why, all he knew was that he wanted them to come and yet they had not, so his cries had become quieter and quieter, left uncomforted. Had he made these sounds in order to keep himself company, to break the silence and emptiness of his childhood room, or of being alone on a distant planet receiving the augment treatments? How could anyone have heard these noises and been able to ignore them, to not instinctively wish to respond to and comfort an upset child? 

Had there been a time when Jules had not had Kukalaka, when Richard Bashir had been successful somehow in wrenching the bear from him? Was this what Jules was re-experiencing now, the times in his childhood without his teddy? Garak had long understood how important Kukalaka was to Julian, to Jules but he often wondered if he had fully understood why precisely. Yes, his bear was a comfort object, such as any child would have, and Jules was particularly attached to him for various reasons. However, one such reason had not presented itself to Garak before and it did so now – the fact that Kukalaka was a witness. He mulled this over as he continued to hold his partner, hoping they could perhaps address this thought. 

-

Morning came and with it Julian had returned to his adult self. The blurring between these two parts of Julian concerned Garak somewhat, as he could not be certain Julian was currently capable of keeping them separate as he usually could, and that he would not allow them to bleed into his professional life. However, it seemed that in spite of the slight oscillation Julian experienced in the evenings, he was able to keep this compartmentalised during the day. It was only during the evening and night that Jules was able to express his ongoing unsettled feelings and distress. 

Julian poured tea for both of them. He looked tired, the past couple nights of broken sleep evident in his face, compounded by the current heightened state the station was in at this time of war. Julian handed a cup to Garak, who accepted it, inclining his head in thanks.

“My dear.” He ventured, not knowing whether Julian would be receptive to this question or not. “I wondered if I could ask you something about Kukalaka?”

Julian did not react outwardly, he seemed instead to warily accept that this topic was inevitable. 

“What did you want to know?” 

“Was there ever a time, even for just a short period, when you did not have him after you had received him?”

Garak knew he could not ask Julian directly about what he actually wanted to enquire about, but he hoped he would be able to coax him into disclosing it. Julian ran his fingertips over the saucer under his tea cup. 

“There was one specific occasion that stands out in my memory. For a long time, I couldn't remember what had happened to me as a child, what my parents had done. You know all this already.” He stopped, shifted his position, frustrated with himself. He tried again. “What I mean to explain is – I had these odd pieces of memories that I couldn't reconcile and I only slowly began to be able to put them together after I found out that I was an augment. And I knew these memories were real and that they were true but what if my parents had managed to successfully keep everything hidden from me? I would never have known. There would have been these strange fragments in my mind I would never be able to explain and so who knows, eventually I would have put it down to dreams or a half-remembered story rather than something that had actually happened to me. It really was all so blurry and confused and full of gaps, I worried I couldn't rely on my own memories. I mean, Elim, how much can you remember from the age of six? Except for me, I still experience this pressure to recall everything perfectly. I have an eidetic memory but I didn't have that until after I was six. So – what does that mean? What does it mean? I have these memories and I found out what my parents did, so that backs up what memories I have. And yet – and yet, I get so scared that I made up the memories only after I found out what they had done, that I retroactively placed that narrative and meaning on them. I needed to know that I knew, that it wasn't just me alone having to rely only on what my parents told me because then they would twist what bits of memories I had, so that I wouldn't remember how it actually felt to be sent there, to remember what I had felt. I needed to remember that and not what they wanted me to, they hadn't even wanted me to remember at all. It was hell being in my own mind sometimes, I would torture myself with all these thoughts. Then I did remember something, the most important thing. There was a night I didn't have Kukalaka, and I couldn't sleep. My father was furious and refused to budge on returning him to me, no matter what I did. What I remember even more clearly is that my mother the next day sneaked Kukalaka back to me before I was sent off with people who were strangers to me, and she made sure to do it when my father wasn't looking. At the time, I didn't know what was happening or why she did this but now I imagine she did it because she felt guilty for what they were about to do, and this was her way of assuaging that guilt. Or perhaps she realised she was sending her son off to be tampered with, sending him to another planet, alone, but at least I would have my teddy bear. My father was so angry when he noticed what she'd done, but it was too late, he couldn't do anything about it. 

“I had Kukalaka with me all the time during the treatments and I never really fully let go of him after that; it took me until much later to process why. Because there were two of my parents who could tell me a narrative, the one they wanted, and with Kukalaka, I wasn't quite just one against their two anymore. Because he was real, a real thing and he'd been there, been with me as I got the treatments. He was real. He was my proof. We'd been there together but he was the only one to come out unchanged. So if I ever began to have those moments where I questioned and doubted myself about my memories, I could hold Kukalaka and remember. And now he's gone, the only evidence I could rely on is gone too, my constant companion.”

Garak remained still for a few moments after Julian finished talking, seeking to use all his training to school his face into an expression which did not betray his internal state, which swung between feral rage and being distraught. 

“Julian.” He managed to enunciate. “I know I was not there and I do not want to try to claim I can replace Kukalaka's role as witness. However, you have told me about what your parents did, I have seen how you live with this. In the absence of Kukalaka, I can at least attempt to help be a reminder that you can trust your own memories.”

“Thank you, Elim.” He rose and stood beside Garak, bending down to press a kiss to the marking on his forehead. 

Garak looked up at him, searching. 

“I know you're concerned, love. It's alright. I'm getting there.” Julian's brown eyes were soft as he met his gaze. Garak was only partly reassured by this but Julian would brook no contradiction. 

-

The week passed with no news of Kukalaka. Their colleagues and friends on the station continued to enquire if there had been any developments. Both Quark and Odo informed Garak that they were keeping up their respective look-out for any sign of the bear, just in case, and Garak continued to thank them, hoping his tones were enough to express to them that he genuinely meant this. Julian continued to function, focusing on his duties as Chief Medical Officer, he met with Garak for lunch, arranged to see O'Brien for an evening at the holosuites. The routine helped him, this was apparent to Garak, and not just to deal with the loss of Kukalaka but also to impose some order on his life in the face of the unpredictability of war. It was only at night that Julian gave way to Jules – there was no joy or recreation in his regression at the moment, and it seemed involuntary, it was a symptom of how Kukalaka's absence was impacting on him. He had only made it through one night dry in the past week. Though keeping Jules padded at night was their current solution, Garak had unvoiced concerns that if this was to continue for an extended period, he had no way of preparing for Julian being sent on a sudden away mission lasting over days. He did not know what they would do in the case of this eventuality but he hoped some other solution would present itself or that Julian would have enough time to get through this unsettled period and that his distress would not continue to manifest in this manner.  
Garak had broached the idea of creating or acquiring something that could hopefully give him a similar feeling to what holding Kukalaka gave him. In spite of the issues at night, Julian refused flat-out to even entertain the idea of being little, consciously, without his teddy bear. However the implication of this was that unless a miracle happened and Kukalaka turned up, Julian would never be little again, which Garak did not believe was to his partner's benefit. He did not push this idea. Julian had rejected the suggestion of a blanket, although he had not said an outright no to the suggestion of a pacifier, so Garak filed away that thought for the future. He found that he too felt Kukalaka's absence quite keenly – the little bear had been a part of this side of their life together and to not have him with them seemed strange and incomplete. 

Garak mused upon these thoughts in his shop as he prepared to close up for the day. There was one delivery left to make – he had the new costumes ready for Julian and Chief O'Brien's latest adventure. He would be hard-pressed to admit to either of them but he very much enjoyed creating these ensembles – it was a pleasure to delve into the history of Terran fashion in order to reproduce accurate representations of the period's attire and it was a welcome break from the standard orders he received, bringing a touch of whimsy and escapism to his day. If this was how he felt and he was merely tailoring the clothes, then he could only imagine how Julian and Chief O'Brien felt partaking in their re-enactments whilst decked out in these costumes. It spurred him on to add extra details and take just that little bit more care when putting them together. He took great joy in watching Julian's reaction when he would first see his latest creation and particularly at this time, Garak wanted to be able to give him something, to allow him to escape and play in one way if he currently could and would not in another. 

He picked up the two packages, Julian's outfit and the Chief's – he was going to take a detour to the O'Briens' quarters to leave this package with the Chief before returning to Julian. 

“Coming.” Garak heard Mrs. O'Brien's voice, muffled before the doors swished open, allowing him entrance to their quarters.

“Oh, Garak. Are you looking for Miles?” She moved around the living area, picking up things as she went, quietly efficient, brisk, tidying away stray items. His eyes were drawn to her plants, dotted throughout their quarters, not overly intrusive or obvious. They were exquisite specimens and Garak had always wished he could talk to her more on this subject, recognising in her a passionate admirer of flora, as well as being a formidable expert. He had never felt quite comfortable in doing so, in spite of his relationship with Julian, and in turn, Julian's close friendship with the Chief. He knew that others still viewed him with suspicion and distrust so he thought it better not to push himself forward, though in this case he did regret it very much. 

“He isn't here right now.” She took the proffered package from him, examining it with an amused look in her eye, indulgent fondness towards her husband evident. “He will be delighted to get this – as will Julian be, I'm sure.” She nodded towards the other package tucked under his arm. She darted back and forth across the room again. Yoshi sat on the floor preoccupied with gnawing on a colourful plastic block, whilst Molly appeared to be setting out a tea party for her assorted toys. They were charming children and he wondered if he could venture a comment in this area. Since their holiday on Risa, when Garak had finally been able to tell Julian of his deep wish to one day be a father, and Julian had disabused him of the notion that he didn't want children, rather the opposite, Garak found he was able to look at children differently now. Before, it would evoke a dull sadness in him, bringing a dark cloud down over him, to know he would never have this. However, now he could take true joy in seeing parents and their little families, knowing that Julian wished to have a family with him. If the war ended, when the war ended, if they both survived. He sought to turn his mind from this. 

Molly continued to assemble the guests attending her tea party and Garak caught his breath sharply, unable to believe his eyes for there was Kukalaka, toy tea cup set beside one paw. Garak looked again and it was still unmistakably Kukalaka. There he was, being attended to by Molly O'Brien. One of his arms had ripped at the seams and was hanging loosely but otherwise, he seemed perfectly fine. Garak recalled the computer's list of visitors to their quarters before Kukalaka had disappeared – it had included Chief O'Brien on his way to drop his children to school and creche before work. So Molly had been in their quarters and for some reason had been compelled to take the teddy bear and no one had noticed. He set down his package and paused, assessing how best to approach this situation. Firstly, he would need Mrs. O'Brien's permission to talk to her daughter. Secondly, he did not wish to upset Molly or cause her to feel as if she had done something very wrong – although she must have taken Kukalaka without asking or letting them know, so it was not a completely innocent action. His main concern, however, was to get the little bear back to Julian as quickly as he possibly could.

“Mrs. O'Brien.” He sidled up to her, talking in a low voice, hoping to stop her in her continued activity. 

“Garak. I've said it so many times, please call me Keiko.”

“Keiko.” He said and whatever it was about his tone, she did indeed stop and give him her full attention. “Keiko, you might recall that I contacted you before asking if your husband had somehow picked up Julian's teddy bear by mistake, as the bear has gone missing.”

“Yes, I remember.” She looked confused. 

“I am afraid to say it seems I have just found him.” He turned his head towards Molly, Keiko following his gaze. She made an exasperated noise when she registered the teddy that did not belong to them. 

“I am so sorry, Garak, I can't believe we didn't notice before. We've both just been so busy – or maybe she kept him hidden from us. I'll get him from her now. I am mortified by this, we didn't bring her up to be like this -.”

“If I may.” He held up his hand, wanting to halt her. “If I have your permission as her mother, instead of taking the bear from her, I would very much like to talk to her, find out why she took Kukalaka, for as you say, she has not been brought up to do this, and to explain to her how much Julian would like to have him back. It would be preferable to me if she returned Kukalaka of her own volition, instead of having the choice taken from her.”

Keiko regarded him thoughtfully. “That will be fine, Garak. You have my permission.” She smiled at him, a hint of respect evident on her features. 

Garak took a moment to ready himself before approaching the young girl. Strange, to be thinking of whether techniques learned in the Obsidian Order could somehow be applied to coax a child to return something she had taken. He experienced the briefest blink of apprehension, that he should not do this, he should not be allowed to talk to a child, with his background; however, he stamped it down and focused on meeting this child as an equal as much as he possibly could and to treat her as fairly as possible.

“Hello, Molly.” He carefully kneeled down on the carpeted floor. 

“Hello.” She looked at him mildly, not surprised in her child's way at the Cardassian coming to talk to her. 

“I see you're having a tea party.” 

She nodded happily.

“Could you introduce me to your party guests?”

She began to point and reel off their names, coming to an uncertain stop when she reached Kukalaka, looking back at Garak, as if waiting for him to say something. Poor Kukalaka, he looked somewhat ragged in comparison to Molly's other toys, but he was such a welcome sight to Garak. 

“Molly, I do believe this teddy belongs to Julian.” 

She looked away. 

“Would you like to know his name?” 

She nodded, her hair falling across her face only to be pushed back again. He was keenly aware of Keiko's presence behind him. 

“His name is Kukalaka. Do you like it?”

“I never heard a name like that before.”

“It is an unusual name, isn't it? Julian has had him for a very long time, from when he was very small. He misses him very much because he doesn't know where he is at the moment.”

“But he was all on his own.” Molly protested. 

“Kukalaka?” Garak queried.

“Yes, he was just on a shelf, all alone, he had no other teddies to be friends with.”

“And you didn't want him to be alone? You wanted him to have some friends?”

She shook and then nodded her head to his two questions. 

“Well, that was a very kind thought, Molly. Is that why you took him with you when you were in our quarters last week?” 

He saw that she glanced at her mother before nodding slowly. 

“I thought no one wanted him, he was just on a shelf, and no one was going to play with him.”

Oh, how very wrong you were, my dear child, he thought to himself. 

“I'm sure Kukalaka has been having a lovely time and that you have cared for him splendidly. But Julian was very worried about him since he didn't know you'd brought him here and he would very much like to see him again.”

Molly fidgeted. “I'm sorry.” She said quietly.

“That's perfectly alright. You meant well.” 

“But -”. Keiko joined in now. “You should've asked Julian before taking him, you know that, sweetie.”

Molly picked up Kukalaka and held him out to Garak. “Oh, thank you, Molly.”

“Wait.” Keiko hunkered down beside them both. “I think Molly should give Kukalaka back to Julian herself. What do you think?” 

Molly agreed and so, taking her little daughter by the hand, the three of them (plus Kukalaka) proceeded to Garak and Julian's quarters.

“Julian, we have visitors.” Garak announced as he passed through the door.

“Oh? Oh, Keiko, hi, what -”. Then he saw Molly, who was hanging slightly back behind her mother, holding Kukalaka clasped in both hands in front of her.

“Molly has something to give to you, and to say to you.” There was a firm note to Keiko's voice.

Garak stood off to the side, observing the scene. Julian looked stunned, his face a blank as he watched Molly approaching him. Eventually, he seemed to come to himself and he came down to her level. 

“I just thought he was lonely because he was on a shelf and there's no other teddies for him to be friends with.”

“Oh.” Julian replied. 

“I'm sorry I didn't ask if I could take him.”

“That's alright, Molly, I'm just very happy to have him back.” Molly hadn't released her hold on the bear yet and Julian kept his hands folded, not making a move. “I had never thought about whether Kukalaka was lonely.” 

“Maybe he can come visit some times?” 

Garak could see Julian was struggling to respond to this in an affirmative manner but also that he absolutely did not want to let Kukalaka go visiting anywhere, yet he did not want to outright reject the young girl's innocuous suggestion. He doubted Julian would let the bear out of his sight any time soon. 

“That's a nice idea, we'll have to see about that.”

“You're not mad?” 

“No, I'm not.” This was sincerely meant.

Molly then held the teddy out to Julian who took Kukalaka into his hands as gently as he could. “Thank you, Molly.”

She returned to her mother's side. Keiko was apologising to them once again, clearly still embarrassed by the situation and Garak sought to reassure her that it was all fine. It had gone as well as he had hoped for. Molly was not upset and he had not had to take the bear from her, and Julian had his Kukalaka back. He looked at his partner – Julian was struggling masterfully to keep control of himself, and Garak, as politely as he could, guided Keiko and Molly to the door and sent them on their way. Once the door shut behind them, he returned to where Julian still kneeled on the floor.

“Dearest.” He held out his hand to help him to his feet, and once he was standing, he lifted his face to Garak's. Overwhelmed, tears spilled from his eyes and Garak gathered him into his arms, the familiar feeling of Kukalaka pressed between them. Julian cried for some minutes, from relief, from the accumulated feelings and stress of the past week. His crying stilled and he remained quietly in Garak's embrace. He too took comfort and contentment from the restoration of equilibrium, from Julian's relief. Things were as they should be. The mystery was solved – no one had broken into their quarters, it had not been a hostile force or threat, they were not being blackmailed by anyone. After another minute, Garak was unsurprised to note that his partner had begun to suck his thumb and he welcomed the sight.  
Jules regarded the bear clutched tightly in his head and lifting his head from Garak's shoulder, showed him Kukalaka, where his arm hung loosely, the seam ripped. He pressed the bear into Garak's hands. 

“Papa.” He said around his thumb in his mouth. “Papa.” He repeated, this time more plaintively. Though Julian had mended Kukalaka all his life, now he was too little even to manage this and needed Garak to do it instead. Garak took the little bear carefully, supporting his arm with one hand. 

“Now, we will have Kukalaka as he was in no time at all.”

Jules settled himself on the sofa, whilst Garak sought out his sewing kit, deciding to use the more old-fashioned method of needle and thread in order to keep the teddy's repairs consistent. He seated himself beside Jules, and after furnishing himself with the correct equipment, he carefully set to sewing Kukalaka's arm back on tightly whilst his little boy watched, seeming to derive further comfort from Garak's act of repair, or rather care. 

“There.” He finished the line and replaced his needle and thread back in his kit. He held up Kukalaka to Jules for his inspection. He had done a neat job, even if he did say so himself. “Just as he was.”

Jules smiled in a way that made Garak's chest feel warm. He took the bear from him, and holding on to him tightly, curled up against Garak's side, sighing in contentment. Garak petted his hair and was equally content to share in the return of Kukalaka and a happier, more settled Jules. They spent the rest of the evening quietly; Garak replicated hot chocolates for them both, and he watched as the taut and drawn expression on Jules' face softened, and his body too, the constant state of tension through the past week seeping away. 

“Shall we have a story before bed?” He suggested and Jules seemed very happy at this idea. They had lately been reading the stories of Dick King Smith, as his tales about animals appealed to Jules. He selected one, a simple tale about a determined hedgehog who wants to cross the road to get to the park but is worried about getting there safely, until a kind lollipop lady helps him to reach his destination. The week of broken sleep had caught up with Jules and before they had got too far into the story, he could see his little boy's eyes closing, and putting the book down, and against his better judgement, Garak allowed Jules to snuggle against him, sitting for a few minutes, enjoying the peacefulness of the moment. He examined the bear held in Jules' grasp, and thought of all the places and things this creature had seen; he was the witness, Julian's talisman, his evidence that his memories were not false, the companion who helped him to hold fast to these convictions. 

With reluctance, he roused himself, and then helped Jules to his feet, who was more asleep than awake, and was currently very little and amenable. He prepared him for bed, helping him into a diaper and then his softest pyjamas, and almost before he even pulled the covers over them, he was in a deep sleep, his thin frame so loose and relaxed as he lay on his front, Kukalaka still in his grasp. They passed an undisturbed night, and though he woke up wet, Julian woke back in his adult self, and properly rested. 

They readied themselves for work, and before they left their quarters, Julian placed Kukalaka back on his shelf, back in his usual position. He hesitated for a few moments before the bear, clearly not wishing to leave him, worried, even though his disappearance had had an innocent explanation. Garak came up behind him, placing his hands on Julian's hips, pressing his face into his hair, before turning to kiss his neck gently. Julian covered his hands with his own, leaning back into the embrace.

“I know it's irrational.”

“Take your time, my dear. He's back. And we won't let him disappear again.” 

Should he really promise that though? With the war, who knew what could happen. Garak shook that thought away. This was not a morning for such thoughts. 

Julian took one last look at him before resolutely turning his back and leaving their quarters.

“He'll be there when we come back this evening. He has a job to do anyhow, keeping an eye on things.”

Before entering the promenade, Julian quickly squeezed Garak's hand. “Thank you.”

Garak would've usually made a playful reply along the lines of “Whatever for”, however, he knew what Julian meant and how deeply he meant it, and so he simply looked back at him, hoping this communicated everything Julian needed to know. 

Odo crossed paths with them then as he made his morning rounds. 

“Well, Doctor, you're looking unusually cheerful this morning.”


End file.
